Faith...

"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase" Martin Luther King,Jr.


Yesterday at our speech eval at the hospital, more questions were brought up in my mind and then I get out of the hospital to a phone call from Hunter's school. First off the speech eval. I knew how it would go. I am not blind. I was asked what I thought Abi would test at and low and behold that is where she tested. That didn't mean I wasn't hoping for better news. Abi tested in the severally behind area of the tests. Testing at 3-4 years old. Which I knew going in was where she would be but it is still a sucker punch. Of course this woman who has never met my child thinks that I am making the wrong choice by homeschooling her-i.e. the testing results...BUT she is not the one who has to live with the knowledge of the school district not watching out for my child. Could Abi being testing better developmentally if she went to school...probably...is that really what we are worried about in the grand scheme of things...not really.Yes, I want my child to fit in and be as "normal" as possible but I also am selfish enough to want my child.See the thing is Abi is happy with things the way they are. We skipped the hospital for illness for the last two winters,she hasn't had the flu in years,she does get sick but not to the point of hospitalization.We don't have to give her attention meds because if she can't sit still and do the work then that's fine we stand up and do the work,or lay on the floor, or hang upside down...as long as she is doing it,how, is not important. Her blood pressure is under control( as much as it can be) her anxiety levels are lower than when she has attended school in the past. Is it a huge commitment for me, yes. Are there days when I would LOVE to send her to school and just be able to not think about Abi and her needs for a few hours...hell yeah! BUT I know that this is what she needs and this is what I must do. I also know that my older kids would worry as much as I do if Abi did go to school. I know that the thought of the cardiologist appointment this Dec. gives them the same flashbacks it gives me. I know this because Hunter is having them now and his cousin Chloe is the reason. Chloe is still struggling to put weigh back on and to get better. Hunter knows this and he spends more time in the counselors office than in the classroom anymore. He is so afraid that Abi and Chloe both will not be here for much longer and the horrible thing is I can't tell him that they both will be here for 10 more years, or even one more year...anything can happen, there are no guarantees to comfort him and there is nothing to do to prevent it from happening. AND IT SUCKS! I am at a loss as to what to do to help Hunter. Most days I can't help myself out of the hole I am in and now I must find the strength to hold him up too. It is so hard to comfort your child who is so much bigger than you are. It doesn't make since to hold him and tell him it will be okay the way I used to when he was little. He knows enough to know that "mom can't fix it" and that sucks too.There just is so much that I have to think through and hope that I am getting it right and not making it worse.I am making Hunter stick it out at school even though I know he is worried, hoping that he will be able to focus on something other than what could be...How do I teach him not to let the worry consume him when it consumes me? Faith, is the only thing I can come up with so if anyone else has any words of advice,please share!!!