Thinking gets me in trouble.....

I have been reeling from another loss in our tight nit WS community. It is so hard to see another parent loose their child. I go through all those emotions from Abi's ordeal that I thought I had repressed well enough....apparently not. There is a growing list of families that are my heroes because they have been through the hardest thing in life, burying your child. Another dear friend was pregnant with triplets and one of her babies has already passed away, leaving two...one of whom they are told will not live past birth...my heart breaks daily for what she is about to face. I know what that loss looks like from the outside...I have many friends who have angel children.I also had a glimpse myself of what it felt like,for the briefest of times, to be told that your child will not live... only for some reason, I got Abi back. That just brings out all the feelings of not being worthy and trying to find someway to make myself feel like I have changed and I am worthy enough to still have my child. I will never understand why I still have Abi when so many have lost their babies around me. I know at the time of Abi's troubles there were some very close friends who needed to believe in miracles again...so maybe that is why. She is here so that people still believe that it can happen...miracles do happen everyday....I just don't understand the reasons for all the loses around me. Some days I think it is just a preparation for what will be in our family's life. I know that I will be the one someday who needs the support too. I have been told time and again that I will out live my child.