35 years...

Today is my 35th birthday. I am thankful for so much in my life. I think the last few months and the things that have happened in friends lives have made me focus more on the things I am thankful for. There is so much good in my life. My children and husband and the best group of friends EVER! Thanks guys!

Now on to the rest of my post. Thanks to Tree for the idea and then to Michelle for doing this too. I think this is a wonderful idea!!!!!


Outside my window … Today it is very "spooky" as Abi would say. The fog is so thick that we couldn't see the neighbor who said "hi" to us as we went to get in the car. It is cool about 40 degrees and wet. It has been raining for the last few days. I love being warm inside my house but hate that my hubby has to work outside in this. He comes home wet,cold and very tired.

I am thinking … about all of the things I should be doing today. Cleaning,laundry,baking pies to take to Chris' dad's house this weekend...what I want to do though is read my book and watch " my sister's keeper" :)

I am thankful for … My family. I love my husband and kids so much and I am so thankful to have them. I am also thankful for the surprise that Chris' mom came by my house last night and brought a b-day cake and present for me. Something she has never done in the 16 yrs we have been married...she did something just for me and I really appreciate it. I am thankful for Abi's therapist Lindsay who is going to come babysit Abi so that I can take Hannah to watch "New Moon" during the day tomorrow. Of course, I am forever thankful for all of my friends that I have met because of WS, without you to center me and understand me I do not know how I would manage. I am also thankful that my brother is coming home from training for the next few weeks so I get to spend some time with him.

I am reading … I am reading the "outlander" series, thanks to Laura's suggestion and loving it. I am sad that I only have two 800+ page books left in the series. It is a wonderful love story with alot of history mixed in it. Thanks Laura.

I am hoping …that I can be happier this season and not be as down as the holidays usually make me.

On my mind … Trying to re-organize my life and make things simpler than they are.

We’re learning … to not sweat the small stuff.

Noticing that … My kids are growing up so fast. I can not believe how much they have changed in the last year. The older three are become adults quickly and I am so glad to still have a "baby" at home :)

Pondering these words … " Trying to clean while the children are at home is like trying to shovel the sidewalk in a snow storm" SO TRUE!!! :)

From the kitchen … Baking a turkey because that's what I want for my birthday. Baking pies for Chris' dad's house this Sunday.

Around the house … Lots of stuff. The kids keep bringing home more stuff and I keep trying to clear it out. All of their b-days bring stuff into the house and with Christmas coming I must get some of the old out before the new comes!


One of my favorite things … The time I get to spend with each of my kids one-on-one. I love that time with them. Each of them is so different and they are changing so much. Before I know it they will be moved out and starting a new chapter in their lives so I want as much time as I can get with them now.

So much and so little...

So I haven't updated this blog in awhile. I guess Facebook really does take over some of the need to connect feelings :). There has been so much going on in our lives and at the same time, nothing really major. Lathan's birthday was last month and he turned 15, Hannah's birthday was last week and she turned 11. My birthday is Thursday and I will be 35. (Doesn't seem possible to be that old!) Our 16th wedding anniversary is the 4th of Dec, then Abi's 7th b-day on the 13th and Hunter's 14th b-day on the 18th. That is what makes up the crazy last months of the year for us! Everything is changing, the kids are growing up. There is some sadness to that but there is also alot of joy in seeing them grow and understand so much more. Abi has learned a few of the harder leasons this past week. While watching Daddy play dodgeball, she was hanging out with a girl that she talks to ever once in awhile. This little girl is 4. Abi came back to me in tears and asked me to hold her. This little girl told Abi to " get away from me! You're weird!!" several times very loudly. ( note: this girls parents were no where to be found) but it broke Abi's heart and in turn broke mine. I hate that this is the way my child is viewed. Not by the masses( there are too many people who love her) but by the ones she should call her peers. It stings. I know that my older kids have been given the tools to deal with this type of behavior but they never had to deal with it at such a young age and so in-your-face. I wish that there was some way around this lesson in life. There is no easy way to handle problems like these. They do leave scars...on all of us.
Abi has been not acting up to par here lately too. I worry, (as most of you know) about what will be in the next year. Abi has her nephrolgy appointment the first part of Dec and Cardiology the middle of the month. I am so afraid of the news the cardio will give us. I just do not know where I will find the strength if it comes to a proceedure. I know that is where we are heading and it scares me to the core. I do not know how to hold my family together if it does come to another surgery. We all hang on by a thread and can't breathe with the thought of anything happening to her. When she acts the least bit off...we all panic. She is looking weak and sleeping more. There is just something when you look into her eyes that is not right. You can just tell...I just haven't been able to figure it out. We have done a couple of other tests here and there to rule out the easy stuff but have ruled it all out...now what? Maybe it is just her, maybe it is nothing but I can't take the chance that it might be somthing. I have to search and look...just in case.So lots of naps and checking temps and drinking fluids and taking blood pressure in the hopes that it is nothing but there is always that fear that it is something mom can't fix on her own. There is always something. I know that. I accept that, but I will not stand by and do nothing. If there is anything at all that I can do if it is her heart then we will know in a month for sure until then....I rule everything else out. Don't get me wrong, she is playing and laughing and being herself but there is just something in her face that tells me to keep watch.

Faith...

"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase" Martin Luther King,Jr.


Yesterday at our speech eval at the hospital, more questions were brought up in my mind and then I get out of the hospital to a phone call from Hunter's school. First off the speech eval. I knew how it would go. I am not blind. I was asked what I thought Abi would test at and low and behold that is where she tested. That didn't mean I wasn't hoping for better news. Abi tested in the severally behind area of the tests. Testing at 3-4 years old. Which I knew going in was where she would be but it is still a sucker punch. Of course this woman who has never met my child thinks that I am making the wrong choice by homeschooling her-i.e. the testing results...BUT she is not the one who has to live with the knowledge of the school district not watching out for my child. Could Abi being testing better developmentally if she went to school...probably...is that really what we are worried about in the grand scheme of things...not really.Yes, I want my child to fit in and be as "normal" as possible but I also am selfish enough to want my child.See the thing is Abi is happy with things the way they are. We skipped the hospital for illness for the last two winters,she hasn't had the flu in years,she does get sick but not to the point of hospitalization.We don't have to give her attention meds because if she can't sit still and do the work then that's fine we stand up and do the work,or lay on the floor, or hang upside down...as long as she is doing it,how, is not important. Her blood pressure is under control( as much as it can be) her anxiety levels are lower than when she has attended school in the past. Is it a huge commitment for me, yes. Are there days when I would LOVE to send her to school and just be able to not think about Abi and her needs for a few hours...hell yeah! BUT I know that this is what she needs and this is what I must do. I also know that my older kids would worry as much as I do if Abi did go to school. I know that the thought of the cardiologist appointment this Dec. gives them the same flashbacks it gives me. I know this because Hunter is having them now and his cousin Chloe is the reason. Chloe is still struggling to put weigh back on and to get better. Hunter knows this and he spends more time in the counselors office than in the classroom anymore. He is so afraid that Abi and Chloe both will not be here for much longer and the horrible thing is I can't tell him that they both will be here for 10 more years, or even one more year...anything can happen, there are no guarantees to comfort him and there is nothing to do to prevent it from happening. AND IT SUCKS! I am at a loss as to what to do to help Hunter. Most days I can't help myself out of the hole I am in and now I must find the strength to hold him up too. It is so hard to comfort your child who is so much bigger than you are. It doesn't make since to hold him and tell him it will be okay the way I used to when he was little. He knows enough to know that "mom can't fix it" and that sucks too.There just is so much that I have to think through and hope that I am getting it right and not making it worse.I am making Hunter stick it out at school even though I know he is worried, hoping that he will be able to focus on something other than what could be...How do I teach him not to let the worry consume him when it consumes me? Faith, is the only thing I can come up with so if anyone else has any words of advice,please share!!!

Celebration of Life...

Sophie became an angel on the 18th after complications from open heart surgery. Sophie had Williams Syndrome just like Abi and faced some very similar medical battles. Sophie was not able to recover as Abi did and I think all the time about the fact that Abi was so very lucky to have made it at all. My heart breaks for this family but they have shown so much courage and strength that it amazes me.




Sophie Elise Henkel 3/24/07 - 10/18/09
Sophie's Celebration of Life Saturday 2 pm. This is going to be a huge celebration of Sophie's life. The location is our church not a funeral home. no casket. There will be balloons, flowers, very colorful. Sophie loved roses, balloons..., cake, and music. Sophie loved parties. Children are welcome. Sophie loved colors, come colorfully dressed to celebrate her life.